Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
