I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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