A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
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This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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