I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
