I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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