my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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