I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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