im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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