I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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