I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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