I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
