she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
