It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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