I just saw a hot homeless man
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
