Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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