Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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