hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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