she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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