High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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