so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
