Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
