i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
