dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
