honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
