so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
