your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
