One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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