Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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