please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
