I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
