He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
