is your mom at the bar?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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