I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
