I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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