No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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