I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
