The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
