im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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