i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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