I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
