My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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