Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
