Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Houston, we have a blender
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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