Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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