what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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