i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
