It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've blown a few things in my day
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
