it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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