if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
