I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
