Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
