She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
