White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
